You Were Never Meant to Carry It All

[00:00:00] Are you the person everyone calls when something goes wrong? The one who remembers the birthdays, Christmases, checks in on the parents, knows what's happening with the kids, the household, the diary, the appointments. Are you the one quietly carrying all the things that nobody notices, but needs to run their lives?

Hi, I'm Nicki Kuurman, and welcome to The Practical Mystic Podcast, where universal wisdom meets modern life. Last week, I introduced what I call the four alignment patterns, protective strategies that we develop over time to help us feel certain, to feel safe when things are overwhelming or we are in an emotional uproar.

And today, I'm going to explore the first of these patterns, which I see probably the most often, and that's called the anchor pattern. And it often feels familiar because we are the ones holding it all together, anchoring the [00:01:00] ship, helping it stays steady in a world of turbulence and turmoil. The one thing that I've noticed about anchors over the years is they don't come into my clinic going, "Oh, I'm carrying too much."

They come into my clinic saying, "I am exhausted. I'm so tired I can barely breathe. I don't know why I'm so resentful or angry lately. Something's shifting. I don't feel like myself anymore." When they start to tell me about their life, they realize how much they're carrying. But because carrying has been normal, it's not until you start to share it with somebody that you see all of the things that you're holding that perhaps are no longer yours to hold.

Most women that I know hold a lot of the cognitive load for their families. It's just what they do. [00:02:00] It's what they've been taught. It's who they think they have to be. The interesting thing about the anchor pattern is that it always is anchored in love, not obligation, love maybe you learned from a very early age that being capable, created safety. That if you held it together, life felt more predictable, more stable, more certain, more manageable

And it's probably served you incredibly well throughout your life. It made you dependable, reliable, resilient.

People trust you. People know that they can count on you, and these are absolutely beautiful qualities in a person. But over time, something subtle begins to shift. Responsibility slowly becomes identity. [00:03:00] You stop asking, "Can I help?" Because you're already helping You stop asking, "Is this mine? Do I have to hold this?" It just becomes automatic.

Everything feels like yours. You've stopped asking, "How am I doing?" It's always, "Does anyone need anything?" When I start to talk about this pattern with a client, they nearly always say to me, "But if I stopped holding everything together, what would happen? The kids wouldn't get to school. The appointments wouldn't be made.

I wouldn't be able to live my life." And if I say to them, "Well, what will happen if you stopped holding everything together?" And that's when the conversation starts to open because what lies underneath the anchor is fear

Fear that everything will fall apart, fear that people will be disappointed, [00:04:00] fear that someone will get hurt, that you'll let people down, and that things just won't get done. And quietly but subtly, fear that your worth is somehow connected to how much you do for everyone else

The challenge is the more you carry, the less space there is for you Your own needs are quietly forgotten, dissipated, unnoticed, and they feel further and further down the list

When we rest, it feels uncomfortable. Sometimes there's even a quiet panic of, "What else do I need to be doing? Have I missed something?" Asking for help feels impossible. Because you've been so good at being the one to give, you don't know how to receive

The first time [00:05:00] this idea of cognitive load came into my awareness is we were having a dinner party.

My children were there and a girlfriend. My girlfriend said to my son, "Which of your parents remembered your dentist appointments?" Who was the one who knew when the games were on, where they were, where you had to be for practice? What sports uniform day it was How many clean shirts you had hanging in your wardrobe, And I remember him looking at my friend and saying, "I never really gave it any thought."

And that's there, that's where it shows up, this idea that we are carrying all of these unconscious decisions, information, load, [00:06:00] and everyone around us just takes it for granted. Not in an ignorant or mean way, not even an entitlement or anything like that, but just in a you've always done the holding, so there was no need for them to hold it

Nowadays, the question I say to myself more often than not is, "What am I carrying that isn't mine?"

Because as I start to remember who I truly am, I realize how much I am carrying that is never meant to be mine to carry in the first place

They're over responsibility for children when they were growing up, over responsibility for my family, and they get resentful because they feel tied into your schedule.

I was resentful because I felt like I was doing everything for everyone else and nobody appreciated it. More often than not, I [00:07:00] was carrying people's emotions, sometimes their responsibilities, nearly always their discomfort. When I realized that when I'm holding everything for everyone else, I'm getting in the way of their own growth and their own learning

Because I'm stopping them from having experiences, they need to be their full self

And every time I carried something that wasn't mine, I was a little bit more disconnected from who I really am. One of the biggest shifts I see in anchors isn't doing less. It's about learning to pause to ask, "Is this mine?" Has somebody actually asked me to do this? And am I helping or am I rescuing?

Can I [00:08:00] allow someone else to carry this? Does it have to be mine? These are tiny questions, but they begin to loosen the grip of this pattern

Now I want to be really clear. The goal isn't s- to stop being dependable. The world needs dependable people. Your family needs, to depend on you. The goal is to stop believing that your value comes from holding everything, that you are not worth anything unless you are holding everything for everybody else.

Your strength isn't the problem. It never was. The belief that you have to carry it all to be loved, to be accepted- To be worthy? That's the burden. If you've recognized yourself in today's episode, please know this; the qualities of the anchor are beautiful. They're some of the kindest, most wonderful people in our world. [00:09:00]

Your steadiness, your generosity, your loyalty, and your willingness to care for people- Gives you your warmth. Makes us strive to be like you None of these qualities need to disappear We're just simply inviting more balance, that you include you as well as everybody else

Because even the strongest of people deserve support, need support. Even those of us who don't know how to ask for support yet

And most importantly, the first person you need to hold and support is you. Next week, we'll explore the alignment pattern of the seeker and why constantly searching for answers can [00:10:00] sometimes take us further away from ourselves. If you're curious as to which alignment pattern you are, I've linked the quiz below.

It's a free two-minute quiz to help you understand yourself so much better. Until then, stay curious and ask yourself, "Is this mine to carry?"

Please keep remembering who you are. Shift your state, change your story. Until next time. Bye for now.