[00:00:00] I had a bit of a realization recently, and it completely shifted how I see growth, change, and even healing. Because I think a lot of us are walking around believing that we are broken and that we need fixing, and that we need to be somebody completely different to be ourselves, and that something is missing in us, maybe confidence, certainty, motivation even.
But what if that's not really how it works at all? Hi, I'm Nicki Kuurman, and welcome to The Practical Mystic podcast, where universal wisdom meets modern life. I read Dan Sullivan and Ben Harding's book, 10X is Easier Than 2X, a couple years ago, and I think I read it five times over the year, or I listened to it on Audible.
The opening story that Ben shares are talking about how Michelangelo became a sculptor, and he talks about his journey of [00:01:00] going from project to project and how he got better and better and all the obstacles that he, overcame.
I was on my way to a workshop I was listening to the book again for the fifth time, and I'm listening to that opening story as I'm driving and I'm hearing this story again about Michelangelo.
And the point towards the end of the story, somebody asked Michelangelo, "How did you know to carve the David?" And he said, "I didn't carve the David. I just carved away everything that wasn't David." Now, I'd heard this five times in a year, right? And all of a sudden, it just stopped me in my tracks. Carving away everything that isn't Nikki.
What would that even entail? Like what, what would that look like? What's holding me, myself, in that stone? How do I uncover the [00:02:00] true me when I could feel myself so trapped in that stone? Like I needed to be carved out to be even fully formed. And just as I arrive at this workshop, I get there, I've just had this immense aha moment, right?
Of, oh, I need to chip away everything that isn't me. I have to let go and reframe everything that's not true and this is like the first part of awakening, right? It's like we have to start to see everything that's not true. And as we do awaken, we start to see the lies and the containment and the rules and the bullshit stuff that we have been corralled into, and it has made us be in stone.
We are not our full soul self, and we have a strong sense of this now, especially as adults. But I think teens really struggle with this too, because [00:03:00] they've come from this childlike wonder of being themselves, and then all of a sudden, once they start going to school, we start caging them in, caging them in, caging them in until it's like a cement that they have to push themselves out of.
And so, I arrive at this workshop, and we are randomly picking Oracle cards at the beginning of the workshop. we're all just sitting around chatting and, somebody opposite me pulls out a card and it says, "What is the lie?" And my heart just stopped. I was like, "The lie is the stone."
And as other people are sharing in the group, I ask my higher self, "What is my lie?" And I got back clear as day, self-doubt
Wow. Self-doubt is the lie that is my [00:04:00] stone.
And from that day forward to now, I have been chipping away all of the self-doubt. I can't say it's gone yet, but I, I have worked through an enormous amount of it in the last 18 months, two years. The self-doubt is the rose-coloured glasses that I have been seeing the world through It was the filter that I was making every decision upon in the ways that I held myself back.
Doubting I wasn't good enough, doubting I wasn't pretty enough, doubting I was not skinny enough. I was too big, too loud, too vocal, too opinionated
And all of it is the lie. All of it was the self-doubt and it really has made me have to stop and think, who am I without self-doubt? What would [00:05:00] that even look like? I've asked hundreds of women over the last 18 months what their lie is
The stone is the bullshit rules of life that we've been taught are normal, and it just keeps changing, and the minute you think you're thin enough, then there's somebody thinner. The minute you think you're, "Oh, I'm getting some confidence here. I'm growing in my confidence," somebody does it better,
It's not about better. It's not a competition It's about you and your expression Because your unique essence, your unique expression is exactly what's needed here at this time to awaken everyone. Awaken to your abilities, the possibilities, your dreams, the things you want to [00:06:00] create, experience, touch, feel, see, do, that you cannot do without a physical body.
That is the privilege of having a physical experience, is we get to touch and feel and do and experience all the physical things that we cannot do without the density of this time and space. And it might be just taking one little chip off of the stone to peel back what's the actual colour of that underneath there?
Is it brighter? Is it duller? It's a completely different colour
Over the last year since I've been experiencing this, I've noticed that even the colours that I've been choosing and the, the things that I have in my life are changing.
I feel like I'm uncovering a layer of stone [00:07:00] And I don't necessarily feel really great in these colours, but I don't really feel like I fit my old clothes either And that style and who I am is emerging as I chip back the layers of the rock.
And there's also a joy in experiencing that. As each layer gets revealed, there's new things to explore. There are new parts about myself that I didn't know I could create a podcast, and I didn't know that I had this in me even six months ago I've had the ideas for these things.
I've... I have this massive idea of how I want to be able to serve the world, and I'm playing with different ways of being able to do that in these new mediums, in new arenas, and with different people, and I'm just exploring. And that is the mission, and that [00:08:00] is my awakening, is to, to play and to find joy and to discover new things as I break out of the cage, and that is my own awakening story.
I often joke with a friend of mine that she loves rules. She likes the edges. She likes to feel that there's order and that she knows that things are in control. And I always see the rules as a guideline. I don't see them as a hard edge.
They've always been fuzzy to me, and we laugh and joke about it all the time about how I do not feel safe with rules, and she does. I think we can awaken within both of those things. But for me, my true awakening or my ability to be more myself has been when I've had less of the bullshit rules, less of the care about what people think of me, less judgment of myself, less criticism
They have all been the [00:09:00] lie in my own self-doubt. And yours might take a different flavour, You, you're going to find your own way through this, but I'd love for you to start asking yourself, what is the lie that you are encased in?
What is it that you need to chip away at? It's not removing the good parts of you. It's not removing the things that you love about yourself. It's not having to make massive change even. It's chipping away things that when they show up, you go, "That just doesn't fit anymore. That's not comfortable for me anymore.
I won't be silenced," or "I, I do want to say these things. I want to be able to stand in my own power, in my own light, in my own truth." And they can be a thousand different ways, from the very small to the really big. None of its right or wrong, and all of it, uh, if you imagine trying to carve a statue from marble, all of it's going to take those tiny little chips [00:10:00] and those big chunks.
You're not building a new version of yourself. You are realizing who you have always been, who your soul is Not your mind, your heart, the internal essence of you Even constant self-work, self-improvement, I've been reading self-improvement books since I was a teenager, even that has created a subtle self-rejection of myself. I think I always saw self-improvement as a destination, that if I did enough, I'd get there.
 I was always working on myself, and the work was hard, and there was so much trauma to unpack, and there's so much stress in my life. And it has kept me in a loop of not enoughness. [00:11:00] It kept me in this loop of over-striving to be better, but I didn't really have a definition of what better way.
I just knew it wasn't good how I was feeling, and I was uncomfortable, and I wanted to shake it off
I was trapped in these beliefs that I had created or that were imposed upon me from family beliefs, from societal beliefs, from cultural beliefs. So, I want you to think back to when you were a child, and what was the thing that you loved to do the most? For me, it was dancing. I was always dancing I hardly ever dance anymore, and it's really sad.
I stopped dancing during my first marriage.
I stopped moving my body in ways that felt pleasurable. As I became a mother and a wife, [00:12:00] I lost that part of me that gave me joy/
And now I'm starting to move again, and I'm starting to sing again, and I'm humming in the shower and dancing in the mornings and moving my body in ways that feels better for me because I'm starting to crack that stone. What is it for you? What did you love to do as a child? Was it drawing? Was it making stuff?
Was it imagination play? How did you express your creativity?
A friend of mine is an artist, and she says she sees everything in colours and vivid imagery. And she'll hear a piece of music, and she'll see a painting or, colours swirling, I think we each have different things that take us back to our core joy, our core illumination of our soul. And [00:13:00]
We have to remember that that's why we're here, to have this expression in the 3D world that is so amazing to be able to manifest and bring things through. And yet we get so stuck in how it expresses and, how it will be received. It's nobody's business how anything is received. It is about your joy of expressing fully in the physical form and enjoying the experience because as we return to source, we don't have the same density to experience those things
There are no right or wrong answers here but just play with it. Expand it. What did I love to do? What brought me joy? Your true self isn't something that you have to curate. Your true self is already present with you all the time. Your source self is always there, [00:14:00] just like the silence in the room.
When you can find the silence in the room- That is like finding your soul self. It's the quietness. It's the internal space. The stillness is where you reach that version of you.
Our first light body, our first experience of self is the I am presence.
It is knowing that you are part of source and that source is you. I believe that when we know ourselves to be soul essence, we can actually claim our sovereignty.
We can claim who we are in truth.
We are just expressing it individually, we're breaking free of that mould
I was never meant to be cast in stone." [00:15:00] You were always a soul coming here to have a joyful, creative, physical experience. It's imperative for us to free ourselves from that that no longer serves us.
The lies, the bullshit rules, the things that you've been hanging onto that you know are not making you feel good. Tear it all back, chip away at it, and connect yourself to that that inspires you. Inspiration is spirit in action.
What is it you are inspired to feel, to create, to play with, to be, to do?
When you discover your why It's so much easier to start chipping away at it because you can [00:16:00] understand, oh yeah, that doesn't feel true for me anymore, and you just flick it off. And as you practice flicking it off, new versions of you will be uncovered, it gets easier and easier the more you strip it back.
How long it takes? I've no idea. I'm still in the process myself. But it feels so much better than being stuck in the stone, frustrated, closed away, fearful, untrue…
Maybe this next phase of your life isn't about doing more or learning more or becoming more. It's about being honest enough with yourself to let go of anything that was never really you to begin with Piece by piece, layer by layer, until [00:17:00] what's left feels like truth.
If you've liked this podcast, please share it with somebody Follow and like to keep up to date with the latest episodes, and if you've got any feedback, I'd love to hear from you. Give me an email, nicki@nickikuurman.com. It's so lovely to have this space and platform to interact, and so I would love for you to share with me your thoughts and feelings and where you would like these conversations to go.
