What are you available for? It's an interesting question. Not what do you want, not what are your goals, not what are you trying to manifest or achieve, but what are you actually available for? Because what I've been thinking lately is that there is a big difference between what we say we want and what we actually make room for in our lives.

Hi, I'm Nicki Kuurman, and welcome to the Practical Mystic Podcast, where universal wisdom meets everyday life. Over the last few episodes, I've been exploring change. We've talked about awareness, and we've talked about vibration, and we've talked about the possibility of interrupting where we are and participating in changing our own state.

Eventually, another question has been arising, and that's: what am I changing toward? What do I actually want more of? And perhaps even more importantly, am I [00:01:00] available for it? I think one of the interesting things I've been hearing come up with clients lately is that they've been setting better boundaries, and one of the phrases we use is, "Do I have the capacity for this right now?"

And I think capacity is a really great word when we're looking at our energy level and what we're going to take on and where we're willing to go. It's really helpful with boundaries. But as we twist it around and not use it just for protection and bounding ourselves, I want us to look at now what am I actually willing to open up for, to be available for, and to receive?

Because we spend a lot of time knowing what we don't want, and I think most of us can say pretty quickly what it is that we don't want. I don't want to feel stressed, or don't want to work this way, or don't want to be in this relationship, or I don't want to have the same argument, blah, blah, blah. [00:02:00] But very often when we are quick to move away from something, we backfill it with more of the same.

We often say no to something and then take on more of what we don't like unconsciously. I want you to bask in the spaciousness of saying, "I don't have the capacity for that," and then pause and ask yourself, "What do I want instead? What am I going to make myself available to? What am I consciously going to draw in, experience, have, touch, taste, do, see?

Where am I actually going to allow myself to receive that which I want?" I think we're so organized around avoiding what we don't want, that it's become very difficult to [00:03:00] connect with what we do want. And connecting to what we truly want at a heart level, at a fulfillment level, not just a quick pleasure, although sometimes a quick hit of do I prefer this or this is a great way to access that feeling.

But a deeper curiosity about the secret stuff you don't tell anyone. The things that you really, really want to have time and space for in your life that you're not actually making time and space for because we're so good at organizing every minute of the day

Sometimes I actually find myself having to schedule in thinking time or alone time or having some space because I'm not very good at giving it to myself just off the cuff.

It has to be a habit for me. Say you want more rest when you constantly fill your time with to-dos, and it's really [00:04:00] important to notice when you're just saying, "No, no, I'm fine," when anybody offers to help because they can see that you're not reaching the goal that you set of rest, but you're unconsciously filling it with to-dos.

And perhaps you say that you want more connection, but you find yourself pulling away from friends and not making time for them. You can't say you want more freedom when you're holding so tightly onto everything that makes you feel safe, even if it's uncomfortable. There's absolutely no space in your life for anything if you don't make it a priority into receiving it and allowing yourself to be available for the things that you want to come in.

Lately, I've been fixated with this idea of spaciousness. I keep saying to Rob, "I want more space." Now, we have a very spacious home. We live across the road from the [00:05:00] beach. There is a lot of physical space, but there hasn't been feeling any space for me, and I know that it has to do with a lot of my over-holding for others, and I know that it has to do with old patterns of behaviour that I'm anchored into.

But if I don't create space for myself, it doesn't matter where I am, I'm not going to feel like there's any space at all. Because often I'm walking on the beach and there's nothing or very few people around, and I still feel crowded. Crowded by my own thoughts, by my next to-do on my list, by not feeling the way I want to be feeling.

And it's different from wanting. That there's this want for spaciousness, but what does that spaciousness actually... what am I wanting to get out of it? And this is a question I've been sitting with [00:06:00] for weeks and weeks and weeks. And often it's just time to think, time to write, time to journal, time to get to know my deeper self because I'm so busy in my logical world that I just want to sit back and listen to my softer side, to hear what my heart desires, to chat with my higher self and go, "Hmm, what would you like me to be experiencing?"

I did this really beautiful exercise that I learned from Rachel Jane Groover, and it's about asking, like, asking the ego mind, the seeking, grasping, controlling mind, to just step aside for a moment while we access what our higher self wants for us. And as I was doing this practice a couple weeks ago, what came through is that my higher self wants more joy, more dancing, more fun, more excitement.

And I was like, "I've [00:07:00] stopped doing those things. I've stopped having the fun." I take myself way too seriously at times. And that seeking of spaciousness that I'm after, perhaps it's actually space to have fun. To feel unencumbered and unburdened by all the things that I am carrying unconsciously for everyone else.

So, in order to be available to the things that I do want, the fun, the creativity, the writing, the joy, the dancing, it's going to require spaciousness, and I have to take responsibility for creating that spaciousness in my life if I want things to change. Think about your hands. If I'm standing here holding 10 things and you try to h- hand me something else, I can't receive it.

Not because I don't want to, but my hands are full. Something has to be put down [00:08:00] in order for me to receive it, and that's true energetically as well. We've become so full of responsibility, expectation, old identities, old stories, other people's needs, that we think we should be able to take on another thing, take on another thing.

But we're not letting go of the things that we've outgrown. We're not releasing the fear and the control and the busyness in order to make way for these new things, and this is how we become overwhelmed. We're trying to hold onto the old and keep receiving more and more at the same time until we're fit to burst.

So how do I get more? How do I receive more? Well, you have to be willing to put some stuff down. As you might have read in the Sunday resets over the past few weeks, I've been talking about how I've been making space in my home as well as in my energetic space inside of me. I've been making Rob clear out his office, and I've been cleaning out the house, [00:09:00] and I've really realized that- As I move things out of the home, I'm tempted to backfill it straight away.

I think, "Ooh, I could have a new plant there," or "I could get a picture for that wall," instead of just allowing the spaciousness to be patient for the right thing to arrive. And maybe nothing needs to arrive. Maybe it's just about having more space, and it has been uncomfortable. Sometimes what we want requires, requires us to be uncomfortable for a while so that we can release the old pattern.

Because if you don't get uncomfortable, you won't change, and this is where availability becomes really interesting because receiving what we don't want [00:10:00] feels comfortable. It's crazy, right? We think that we're going to have all this space for receiving what we do want, but it's uncomfortable, so we quickly fill it with things that are comfortable again, which tend to be the old things that we've just released, especially energetically and emotionally, but sometimes physically as well.

And so, I think we tend to imagine that when this thing that I want arrives, I'm going to feel amazing. Maybe. But perhaps it will also ask something of you, and if you really want to have something new, we have to let the death cycle happen and the releasing of the old. And I know I use this example a lot of the butterfly, but I want you to be able to grasp that.

That the, the caterpillar cannot be a caterpillar and a butterfly both at the same time. In order to be the [00:11:00] butterfly, the caterpillar has to transform, has to die, has to completely turn into caterpillar goo in order to birth the new beautiful, amazing butterfly. And the butterfly has to struggle out of that cocoon to fully transform.

Otherwise, if it doesn't come out of the cocoon properly, it dies. It's misshapen. It isn't fully transformed yet. And so, we think that when we make room for something, it automatically we can hold the caterpillar and receive the butterfly, but we can't. We have to let that caterpillar transform. That is alchemy.

We have to let go of our fears in order to have courage

In order to be seen, we have to [00:12:00] tolerate being visible. If you want intimacy, you have to tolerate vulnerability. If you want support, you might have to tolerate not being the one who does everything for everyone else. If you want freedom, you have to tolerate uncertainty If you want success, you might have to tolerate everybody else's opinion about that.

Suddenly the question isn't even, do I want it? It’s I willing to experience what comes with it? And that's where people get stuck. They are so scared of letting go of the old that no matter how much they want the new, they are not willing to surrender an outdated, old way of being because it feels too comfortable.

It's too scary. So, willingness to actually experience [00:13:00] what you want and let go of the old and truly surrender that pattern of behaviour or that thing or whatever it is, that is availability I'm releasing the old to be available for the new. And sometimes they come really close together, and sometimes they don't, and it's really unsettling

And that's when we can come off of our desire. We can turn off our desire because it's a bit too scary, or it's not happening fast enough, and we think we've got to cling onto the old because the new isn't here. And then we doubt, "Oh, maybe what I wanted wasn't right for me." I know I do this all the time. I drive myself insane with it at times.

Desire isn't selfish. I think it's particularly difficult for those of us who have spent a lot of time [00:14:00] caring for other people. We're very uncomfortable asking for help

And it's so easy to see what everybody else needs, and you just do it. But you've never let anyone support you. So even when people try to support you, it's kind of a mishmash because, A, you can't receive it, and B, it never really hits the mark because you've never shared what it is that you actually need support in.

So, the selfish part feels like, "Oh my God, if I just turn into what I want, how can I give that to me? I'm so good at giving everybody else what they want. It's effortless." But where are you giving you what you want? Where are you allowing others to support you in what you want? It's surprisingly confronting.

It feels selfish, but it's not. [00:15:00] It feels difficult, and sometimes it is. And I wonder how many of us learned that asking for what we want wasn't okay in our family of origin. Don't be greedy. Be grateful for what you get. There are people worse off than you. Don't ask for too much. Don't get too big for your boots.

Be realistic. All of this mess- messaging can be incredibly subtle and incredibly disempowering Over time; we begin editing our desires before we've even allowed them to exist. Is it sensible? Is it realistic? How, how can I make it happen? What will everyone else think? Before we even ask, do I even want it?

Yeah, I want it, but am I willing to sit with the uncomfortability of what [00:16:00] would change? Because it will change. Things will be different and if when you start to say, "Yes, I'd like more of that," and you start to notice, "Yeah, I want to feel more spaciousness. I want to have more free time. I want to do things for myself," that isn't selfishness.

That's being available to yourself, and it's not you having to force yourself to do something It's about opening up the opportunity for that new thing to arrive

And so, it's not about burning your life to the ground to say, "I'm available to everything, and I'm not doing anything of the old." That's just another demand, and you won't be able to sustain it because life will catch up to you. But if you really truly sit with what your heart desires, that burn, that pull, it [00:17:00] never really goes away.

It’s kind of just creeps up on you when you least expect it. You'll find it when you're jealous of it in someone else, or you hear a story of somebody getting the thing that you want. And what I say to that is that when you notice it in others, when you're envious or jealous, it means it's available to you.

It's in your field of possibility. What are you going to do to receive it? What are you going to do to attract it? What room and expansion are you going to make in your life to be available for it? Another approach to this that I think is really helpful, especially if you are not very good at asking for what you want, is to go so gently and softly with yourself that it's hard to notice that you're giving something up in order to get what you want.

And what I mean by that is that you're [00:18:00] so gentle on yourself in your asking and your receiving

That the things that no longer serve you also gently and softly begin to ebb away. Because the thought of our ego of losing anything grasps onto it tighter, because our mind will never let us lose anything

 And so sometimes we have to go so slowly and so gently that we almost don't notice it happening. It's a subtle shift into choosing more pleasure, more joy, more fun. And that could be as simple as, do I want chicken or fish? What would please me most right now?

Do I like this colour blue or another colour blue? Gently, which one gives you more of an uplift? [00:19:00] Choosing that. And as we practice choosing what we want, we start to make ourselves more available for those things that light us up and less available for the things that don't. Once we start to know what we like, it's much easier to say no to the things that we don't, and that's going to naturally create a releasing of the old and more space for the new.

We think sometimes change is hard, but it can be oh-so gentle that you almost don't notice it the way you approach releasing something is entirely up to you Some people like to go full in and will do rituals and ceremonies and burn things from the past and bring in the new. They might do a new moon or a full moon ceremony.

That works for some people. For some other people, that is just too much change too quickly, [00:20:00] and they are not willing to change and upset their life just because they want something, because that doesn't feel safe to them. And I know it's sort of like a mind game, but we kind of have to talk to our mind like it's a two-year-old and go, "It's okay.

We're just going to move over here. Just going to just change tack slightly. That thing's still there, but we're just going to gently move over here towards the thing that's better." And as you place your attention on the new thing that you want, and it starts to feel better, and y- the choices that you make start to feel better and stronger, you can start to trust yourself to choose what feels right versus always choosing what feels automatic.

Being able to say yes when you mean it, instead of automatically saying yes even when it's a no. And if you're really curious, you'll probably find that your life showing you that the [00:21:00] things that you make yourself available for are already there. They just might not be a priority on your to-do list. But you might find yourself subtly already moving there towards the thing that you really want.

And I'm going to use the example of when I bought m- my Mini years ago. I really wanted a Mini. From the moment I saw them come out, and I think it was probably fifteen years ago. And Every time I saw a cream Mini,

my heart would just be like, "Oh, that. I really want that." And I'd never had a new car, "Can I afford it?" I was really stuck in this place of, "Oh, I couldn't possibly afford anything that good," and I started saving anyway. The more I started talking about that I wanted this Mini, and I noticed them everywhere, things started to appear.

My husband bought me a Mini money box, and every time I had a gold coin, I would put it in there. Every time I had some leftover money at the end of the week, I would put it in my money box. And I started to work [00:22:00] out how I could afford that car, and every day I saw a cream Mini. Every day there was more and more of them, and I knew it was in my field.

I knew it was coming towards me. I was starting to take some steps towards it. But I had to let go of this version of me that didn't feel like they deserved a new car,

I'd saved up some money and, um, we'd looked at how we could afford to make repayments and things, I started to see cream Minis everywhere. And then when we went to go buy it and I was about to go into the showroom and I thought, "Oh, I see cream Minis everywhere.

Maybe I don't want a cream Mini. Maybe, maybe they're too common. Maybe there's another colour." And so, we walk into the showroom and there's all these other colour Minis, and there was my little cream Mini sitting in the corner, and my heart did this flutter and I was like, "There she [00:23:00] is. That's my car." And even though I had doubted what I wanted and I had slipped back into, "Oh, maybe it's not good enough.

Maybe I can't afford it," all those things, they were just limiting myself onto what I truly wanted. But what I really had to do was make room and be available to the fact that I really wanted that car, and that I was going to do whatever it took to save up, to organize the finance, and to find it. And just as I was getting close, I nearly pulled off what I wanted, changing the colour or not thinking that I could have it.

But when I pushed a little bit further and stretched myself a little bit more- it was available to me. When the desire is strong and you make space and conscious steps towards it, you can create anything you want. [00:24:00] You don't have to censor yourself or restrict the things that you can have or want just because you've got some old beliefs around money or worth or affordability

What do you want to give yourself, to be available for? Is it a car? Is it more money? Is it time? Is it laughter? Is it joy and dancing and spaciousness and friendships and connection and sex and intimacy and travel and beauty and learning and all these things? And it can be tangible things like the car What are you going to make yourself more available for, and what are you willing to release in order to have it?

Not, "Do I deserve this?" Not, "How am I going to get it?" Just, "Am I [00:25:00] available for it?" And just notice what happens. Does your body soften? Do you feel excited? Do things just line up and somehow come into fruition? Give yourself some room.

Over the past few episodes, we've moved from noticing where we are to recognize that we can participate in changing our state, and now I'm asking you where you'd actually like to go. What is it you actually want?

And I think this is where things get interesting because it's not about moving away from discomfort, it's also about moving towards that that makes us feel truly alive. What lights me up? What gives me so much pleasure? every time I see my little car, and her name is Caroline, every time I see that cream Mini, my heart gets a little fluttery.

It's such a joy to have that in my [00:26:00] life. It's beyond gratitude in some ways because I know what I had to overcome in order to invite that into my life

So, what is it that you secretly want more of? Support, possibility, money, success, visibility, more life? And perhaps don't rush to answer that. Or maybe quietly it's been calling you forward for a long time, but you haven't really yet had the courage to face it. Write it down Just allow yourself to be with it.

You know, just share it with the world. But actually, putting it on paper, bringing it into fruition, taking a step to say, "Yes, this is what I want. This is what I want to make myself available for. This is what I [00:27:00] want to receive. This is how I want to feel," that's the first step. And where we're going next is we're going to explore abundance, and not simply as money, and not as positive thinking, and definitely not as pretending everything is wonderful, because life isn't like that.

But as a relationship with receiving, and possibility, and enoughness in your life that you're willing to create all that you desire

Thank you so much for joining me today. Please like, subscribe, and follow on your favourite podcast platform, and please share this podcast episode with someone you feel could benefit from receiving a little more that they want.

Until next time. Bye for now