If you're the one in the room who holds everything together, the logistics, the emotions, the energy, and you're exhausted, then this episode is for you.
Welcome to the Practical Mystic podcast, where universal wisdom meets modern life. I'm Nicki Kuurman. This is a space for aligned conversations around what it's like to live spiritually in the modern world.
Today we're talking about the anchor pattern and how this stress response shows up. And we think it's completely normal to be holding a thousand things for everything around us or everyone around us. And yet eventually that anchor gives way. The anchor is the one who stabilises everything. She holds everything together in the room. She's got the cognitive load of appointments, scheduling, life and busyness.
She holds everyone emotionally and energetically, creating a calm, safe space for everyone around her. And yet, she seems invisible. And she often feels exhausted, tired, frustrated, and alone. If this is you, you might feel like if you stop, everything's going to fall apart. That if you give up holding something, then what's gonna happen?
And often in the past when you have tried to let go or delegate, people have let you down and things have turned bad. And so it's a re-pattern of our nervous system to hold on tighter. We can't let go. What if something bad happens?
is feeling the lack of safety around loosening the grip. Often comes with a story around what will people think of me, how will I be perceived, and will I be seen as selfish.
Nicki (02:04.27)
I know as a healer archetype that one of the worst things anybody could have said to me years ago was, are selfish. It was like the thing that grated on me the most. And I was so busy holding everything together for everyone that I didn't take care of myself. And it wasn't until I burnt out, was completely exhausted, wanted to burn my entire life to the ground and just run away that I finally stopped.
and learn how to repattern this in a whole new way. One of the biggest problems for me in that state was I'd completely disconnected with desire. What do I even want anymore? My whole identity had been about pleasing everyone else, meeting others' needs, being over-responsible, and oftentimes,
If I look back I was probably just in absolute pain and people would have seen me as a control freak. I felt like if I put anything down it would fall apart.
And in some way, I look at it now and I go, wow, I was so egotistical to think that I could hold things together, that I was in control of anything. But in that moment, that's all my mind knew. It wasn't safe to walk into a room without feeling everybody's emotion. I was in hypervigilance all the time.
Nicki (03:37.848)
and the cognitive load of being a mum, coordinating everything, being the one who's reliable, responsible, and all-knowing, is not only exhausting, it was deeply lonely.
Nicki (03:58.136)
But I wasn't letting anyone in. No one could get in. How could they? And that invisibility was a strength in some ways, but also ruining my relationships.
That invisibility kept me in the pattern. It kept me tied to the loop.
and it kept me from really reaching what I was craving for, which was to be seen, to be appreciated, to be heard. The anchor lives in a low level hypervigilance all the time. In kinesiology, we talk about adrenal fatigue and the first stage being, my gosh, there's a threat and the nervous system has to respond to the threat and creates a new kind of normal with this threat as a possibility. The second stage of adrenal fatigue.
is when that worry about, my gosh, is something going to happen, becomes a constant hum of vibration of hypervigilance.
We're reaching out into the future, anticipating everything that could possibly go wrong and trying to control the outcome. And when I see this show up in myself and other clients I've worked with, it's usually the main source of anxiety. The stress on your system when you're constantly scanning for the next threat, tracking, coordinating, anticipating.
Nicki (05:34.72)
not only tires you out in the moment, but it raises all of the chemicals in your body. So the adrenaline we call on when we're in fight or flight, after 20 minutes or so, it can't hold in the body any longer and cortisol has to come in to help this stress state stay for longer. And when we've got high levels of cortisol, everything starts to be harder on the body. It's taxing on our system.
It's a chemical overload that our body has to get rid of. And so when we're not coming down off of that, when we're not relaxing, when we're not returning to a calm state, we're wearing out our chemical pathways. The interesting thing about the anchor is that when we're in the first stage where we've got high adrenaline and we're busy and we're coordinating all the things, we actually feel good, we feel productive. We feel like we're getting somewhere. We feel on top of things. We can handle this.
We can get the kids to school, pack the lunches, do the things, go to work, hold the meeting.
but we can't do it all for long periods of time. And the second stage just feels normal. You've been doing this for a while, the hypervigilance is on, the chemicals are overloaded, and this just becomes your new normal. This high functioning, high energy, high stress normal.
Unfortunately, in that state, we're getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. And when we fall over that cliff, that looks like burnout.
Nicki (07:12.908)
and it's not so easy to come up from.
The emotional cost of being the anchor is when the resentment creeps in. You start to resent the people around you just because you are holding everything for them. But the secret is they don't even know how to penetrate your walls. They don't know how to get into the busyness to help anyway. And sometimes they offer side hits of, would this be helpful? And you're like, no.
How can that be helpful? I've got it in control. I actually need XYZ.
And for me, I'd never even considered how to let anyone support me in that state. I was so busy controlling everything. Not only did I not realize I needed help, but how was I ever going to let anyone help me anyway?
So the key here is not about doing less.
Nicki (08:15.726)
It's about receiving more. When you're repairing your nervous system from this state of hypervigilance.
It's not about dropping the ball. It's not about not doing anything. It's not even about burnout most of the time because hopefully we get to this stage of awareness way before we get burnout, but not always. It's not about becoming careless. It's not about not giving a shit about the things that need doing. It's not about letting go because the mind doesn't want to let go of anything.
It's about how do I include me in the equation.
Nicki (09:05.454)
Can you give yourself as much as you give everyone else around you?
Can you receive the level of support that you give to someone else?
Nicki (09:20.224)
Energy doesn't just work from us giving, giving, giving all day. We cannot give from an empty cup. If we are not aligned, tuned in, tuned up to spirit, feeling full of energy, we quickly deplete our own resources. But when we are full, we are contained and we are aligned, we can give all day long and we are not depleting.
our own resources. A really good example of this is kids' homework, right?
How much do you care more than your child about their homework? I know this was a big stress for me when the kids were young. Getting it done, getting readers done, ticking boxes, magic words, all the things that you used to have to coordinate of an evening when things are chaotic at home and you're trying to organize dinner and the next day and all the thousands of things that go on. And this pressure of homework. And I cared way more than my kids did. I took it on.
Like a full-time job. And it was exhausting.
Nicki (10:33.292)
It wasn't even mine to hold.
Nicki (10:38.102)
Another example could be when you're going through an emotional time with someone, perhaps it's something in your relationship.
Nicki (10:48.79)
and you're feeling their stress, you're feeling their pain or they're hurt. And then all of a sudden you're feeling that pain and hurt.
You have to ask yourself how much of this is mine and how much of it is somebody else's?
Nicki (11:08.61)
The hypervigilance of energy is a really interesting field because it used to be when I walked into a room, I'd let my energy scan and flood the room to assess for threats.
Is this a safe space to be in? And unconsciously, I still do it. And it's overwhelming when I'm in big places like a supermarket or a shopping center or a concert where there's lots of people and lots of energy. And I'm assessing for the threats energetically as well as emotionally. And it quickly leads to burnout. I'm exhausted after about five minutes.
Unless I go in completely shielded, completely guarded, just focused on what I need to get at the shops and get out again. But it's not pleasurable. It's not enjoying the moment. I'm not flowing at any point when I'm like that.
But there's different ways of being. You don't have to hold it so tightly. You can hold an energetic boundary without having to be a hard edge. It can be a much softer no.
And then you're not taking on people's energy quite so much because you've got more space around you. You're allowing yourself the support and the energetic connection that you need to cope with your situation or the room that you're in.
Nicki (12:41.346)
It's only to ask yourself right now, what would it look like to be more resourced?
How would it feel to have support in my day?
Not expecting it from somebody else, but actually inviting it in. From your spiritual team, God, Buddha, Allah, the universe, whatever you see or conceptualize that energy source as, the sun, perhaps, that light, love, what do you need to strengthen you? For me, it's always been light.
Nicki (13:21.774)
connecting to the sun, connecting to the light of the universe, allowing it in, feels me, warms me, energizes me. It's the simplest way for me to raise my vibration and feel better.
What does it look like for you?
Nicki (13:42.926)
How will you know when your cups fall? The anchor isn't the only stress and alignment pattern I see in women I work with. The alignment pattern quiz is linked below if you're curious. I wanna see what pattern you fall into when you're out of alignment. You don't have to hold anything alone. You don't have to strive to be seen. You don't have to exhaust yourself to be valuable.
You are never alone. Your support team is always there for you.
Learning how to manage your nervous system, tuning into other parts of yourself, connecting with light, love and source are all part of your support team that are willing and ready to help out as soon as you ask. I'll see you next time.
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