I catch myself in a loop all the time. I don't know about you, but even though I'm aware of the loop, I don't seem to be able to control stopping the loop. And this fight for control and these looping situations do my head in. And I'm always searching for awareness, for something to change. But what I've realized is awareness and change are not the same thing.
Hi, I'm Nicki Kuurman, and welcome to the Practical Mystic Podcast, where universal wisdom meets everyday life. Over the last few weeks, I've been exploring my alignment patterns, as I call them, the anchor, the seeker, the guardian, and the Attuner. Now, when I see myself in one of these loops, over-giving, holding everything for everyone else, seeking new information, whatever the situation is that I'm in, I'm really, really aware of it nowadays.
I can catch myself pretty quickly and go, "Huh, [00:01:00] here it is. Here's that pattern again. I see that I'm holding everything for everyone else," but why isn't it changing? And it really has me thinking a lot lately over not just having the awareness of these patterns, but what we do when we see our looping thoughts and our reoccurring patterns.
How are we going to make a different choice? And I think the choosing is the key because awareness helps you see the pattern, and change happens when you choose what's next. Most clients who walk through my door know where their behaviours stem from. A trauma that they're stuck in, childhood patterns, old belief systems, relationships that have left them dented and hurt.
They've read the books, listened to the podcasts, done lots of therapy, coaching, and healing. They can explain themselves beautifully, and then they keep [00:02:00] doing the same thing over and over again.
The only way to interrupt the pattern is to do something different. You know that experience where you're actually watching yourself do the thing that you said you weren't going to do anymore? And you know you're overthinking, and you keep overthinking it. And you know you want to say no, but you keep saying yes.
You keep leaning into pleasing somebody else for peace and connection and quietly resenting the fact that you're not being authentic. I know when I'm carrying something that isn't mine, and I'm sure you've all had moments when you know that you're carrying something that is not yours to carry anymore.
But how do we give it up? Often, we are incredibly self-aware, and that's [00:03:00] why we keep repeating the exact same pattern because we're so conscious of it. And it doesn't mean when we're aware that we've failed because the pattern keeps repeating. It's just that awareness was never the whole process. It wasn't the entire answer.
And we have to come back to Einstein's theory. We have to make a change. We've got to do something different if we want a different outcome. The whole point of me explaining the alignment patterns wasn't for you to go, "Great, now I know what box I'm in." It wasn't a personality typing. It wasn't something that you're going to be stuck in forever.
We each do all of the patterns at some point in time. The point of the awareness around the patterns is, can I notice what happens when I move away from myself? When I'm not being true to myself, how do I feel? What are my default patterns? What do I go to? What is keeping me from being my full [00:04:00] self? And it's an important distinction that the pattern gives us the language.
I'm the anchor. I'm holding it all for everyone. And how now am I going to stop holding it all for everyone? The recognition creates a pause. In kinesiology, when we're looping, we call that a death spiral, and we're spiralling down and down, and our energy is collapsing because we're stuck in this ever-going loop.
And we need to stop the loop. We need to put in a circuit breaker. We have to pause just for a second and let ourselves choose again. The pause creates possibility. It creates enough space for light to get in and a little bit more of the answer to come through and go, "Ah, there's a possibility for change here.
What do you want?" [00:05:00] And having a little bit of space between the pattern and what you do next- That's where the magic can come in. That's where the opportunity to return to ourselves is at its greatest. And that moment I call realignment, when we come home to centre and we realign our energy with our truth in who we are, we release what we've just been holding and controlling and trying to fix.
We have a moment to pause and reconsider what's actually for my highest good right now Our patterns are really useful because they've kept us alive. They're survival patterns most of the time. They're coping mechanisms. You know, the anchor learned to carry, to have everybody feeling good around them so that they could feel safe.
They needed to be liked. They needed to please. [00:06:00] They didn't want their loved ones to suffer. It comes from a beautiful place, but sometimes it just gets a little bit out of kilter. The seeker learned to search that there must be something outside of myself that I'm missing, and we keep searching and searching and searching for the answers, the next magic pill, the next diet, the next self-help book.
The Attuner learned to listen outwards, super aware of the energy around and what's going on and is it safe? What's everybody feeling? What's my next move? Do I go into this space? Can I hold this space? Do I need to retreat from this space? It's hypervigilance on steroids. Yeah? It's oversensitivity of wondering all the feelings and what everybody else has got going on before they meet their own needs.
And the guardian learned to protect because their heart [00:07:00] was broken. They're hurt. Normal, normal things. When we're hurt, ego says, "Huh, don't want to do that again. Protect, protect, protect." It's the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is guard in that moment that we've been hurt. But seeing the pattern come up, having the pause moves it to our frontal lobe to say, "Ah, I'm not going to choose the pattern anymore.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet sometimes, but the first part is to go, "I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to keep holding it for someone. I'm not going to keep seeking outside of myself. I'm going to turn my eyes in and be with me for a moment to see if I can learn or listen to what I have to say.
What is my higher wisdom wanting to share with [00:08:00] me? That that I'm seeking is actually already inside of me, I just need to pause and listen." Sometimes just intellectualizing something isn't enough because it just then turns into self-criticism, blame, and judgment. It doesn't necessarily change the behaviour.
Real change comes from consciously choosing kindness. What's the kindest thing I can do here? Because change isn't only about what you understand, it's about what you practice, and the gateway, the gateway to be able to practice it is kindness. What's the kindest thing I can do for myself right now? So, if you're guarded up and you're hurt, the kindest thing you can do in that moment is retreat.
But if you keep retreating and you keep walling [00:09:00] up, then you build a fortress around you, and you never can feel and connect again because you're so scared of feeling hurt, we then need to choose how to hold our heart and understand the pain and work through that so that we can trust again. Trust ourselves and trust in others.
Transformation and breaking patterns don’t happen in enormous breakthrough. It happens in an ordinary afternoon when you're just going about your business and you realise that "Ah, I'm choosing differently today. I'm not going to jump in and rescue in that meeting. I'm just going to sit back, and watch people interact and be a little uncomfortable, and notice my own uncomfortable around others being uncomfortable."
It's the [00:10:00] ordinary moment of when you see your ex and you put up the walls and can I just pause for a moment and be with myself and be, "Ah, it's okay. I don't have to react or put up a defence right now. I can choose to walk away. I can choose to not engage. I can choose to not respond how I used to respond."
If you notice that you're constantly scanning the room for other people's feelings to see if it's safe, you can close your energetic bubble and come in and centre yourself, knowing that no matter what anybody else is experiencing, you, you are safe, you are okay. You don't need to know what every- thing is going on for everyone else to be safe.
Sometimes you might notice yourself taking responsibility for others or for something that's not yours, [00:11:00] and then what do I want to choose here? Do I winna take on that task? Do I want to take on that person's bad mood? Or do I just winna sit here for a moment and just allow the situation to unfold another couple of breaths?
Because oftentimes it just will pass right by without us actually having to intervene. It's pausing long enough that our reactive self doesn't go in and fix before we've had a moment to assess the whole situation or just to let it pass by. When I say, "Ask yourself, what do I want to choose here?" it's not necessarily the perfect choice.
It's not necessarily a big dramatic choice, "I'm, I'm never going to do that again." It's just sometimes one degree of difference. "Ah, I can see that that person wants me to take on that task because they feel overwhelmed." Now, I know that they're overwhelmed because [00:12:00] they're dealing with something else, and I could choose to go in and support that person.
Or I could just choose for a moment to sit here for another second and go, "What part of that do I actually have capacity to support in? Can I take on something else, or am I automatically so attuned to somebody else's distress that I want to jump in and help before I've even had a chance to see if I have capacity?"
And it's just that subtle switch into me first. Am I okay? Can I? And then be your most generous, beautiful self that you always are. It's you as well. It's not them only. It's not you fixing everything despite meeting your own needs, and you do have to turn that into focusing on yourself first. And it does feel selfish, especially for the [00:13:00] caregivers.
They really, really dislike looking at themselves as being needy because they are so used to being needed by everyone else and giving to everyone else that that's part of the identity pattern too. I'm guilty for that one. I can put my hand up there. So, if you've done the alignment quiz, and you've worked out what is your predominant pattern, then you can start to work with that one pattern at a time.
Where is it showing up? Maybe journal on it and maybe notice it during your day. Look at the responsibility, the carrying, the automatically stepping in or stepping out and being defensive. Just notice. And the strong story won't be the one where you triumphantly announce, "Now I don't do that anymore." It's more like, "I noticed it this time."
And I get so excited when I notice these patterns because they have been ingrained in me for so long, and [00:14:00] they catch me out, especially with people close to me, all the time. And when I catch myself in the moment going, "Hey, you don't need to hold this," and I just step back, sometimes it's really uncomfortable for others because they are so used to me rescuing.
But I notice now. Maybe not as quickly as I would like sometimes, but I'm freeing my old response. I'm freeing myself from the old way of being this because I noticed it. And when you notice it, then you can do the next step, and often that is just pause. Give yourself a little breathing room Often it's enough to say, "Ah, okay, that's interesting."
Be curious about it. If I don't hold it for them, what happens? And this is where it can be really uncomfortable, is you can see other people are in distress especially, and you want to go in and help. And it's like, ah, [00:15:00] I can't do that because they- they're wobbly, and if I jump in to save them- They may not figure out a better way of doing it for themself.
I'm going to keep this pattern, not just my pattern, I'm going to keep up their pattern of constantly needing rescuing. It's not just us. We are in co-creation all the time. So, what do I want to change? I want to change this feeling of depletion in me. I want to change the feeling of resentment for over giving. I want to feel safer so that I'm not on constant high alert all the time.
Whatever the thing is for you, these changes and these awareness of these patterns, they're not going to make you never wobble again. But they will help you notice it sooner, so you can return sooner, and you can choose again [00:16:00] sooner. They don't go on for days and weeks and months like they sometimes do. You also have to trust your own wobble in that it's uncomfortable at first.
It feels like that pause sometimes can go on for so long until the next thing is said. And I, I watch this in meetings sometimes, is that I want to jump in, I want to rescue, or I want to offer a solution. And I notice that people are uncomfortable and they're fidgety, and that makes me super uncomfortable. And then if I just wait another second sometimes, the moment shifts and somebody else might come up with a solution, or somebody else has that moment of uncomfortableness, and I notice that wobble inside of me.
That's what I have to trust, that I'm not jumping in automatically. I'm sitting back in my true self, [00:17:00] allowing myself the discomfort of that in the moment so that I can choose again. And I still might choose to offer a solution or jump in, but I'm doing it more consciously, and I'm choosing it. And that helps build your self-trust, it helps build your own confidence in your boundaries, and it allows others to build trust in your boundaries, too.
I really want to touch on the idea of a little warning here, that I don't want you to turn awareness into another way to judge yourself, because this happens all the time. We made a challenge, and then we go, "Okay, I'm aware that there's a challenge. I'm aware of the wobble. I'm aware of the pattern that I want to go into."
And then we start to criticize saying, "Oh my God, I'm doing it again. Oh my God, Nikki, [00:18:00] you've jumped right in. You've jumped in with the pattern. You didn't give it long enough. You're back rescuing everybody." And it just feels like another criticism. And now we've added judgment to the pattern. When somebody else is uncomfortable with us having a pause or stepping back or trying something new, especially family, this comes up a lot with family, is you can see them getting kind of angry at you, and then I feel guilty.
It's like, "Oh, I should be rescuing." No, no. I should let us each feel uncomfortable in this situation because 9 times out of 10 it's not yours to fix. When you're curious about how you're feeling in the situation- It's like, ah, there I am. That's me. Not, I thought I should. Uh-uh, come back. It's interesting. [00:19:00]
It's interesting. Have curiosity. It's interesting that I felt like I wanted to jump in there. It's interesting that I wanted to guard my heart as soon as I saw my ex. It's interesting that I react before I think. And it gives us a pause to say, "Hmm, interesting. What happened just before this? What was I feeling?
What was I trying to avoid?" That's a good one. What did I believe I needed in the moment? Because we go back to what felt comfortable. And what am I trying to create? Am I trying to create a brand-new version of me? No. You're trying to create some space and some sovereignty and to claim your power back and what I mean by claiming your power back is claim- reclaiming your energy for you because if your cup's not full, you cannot give it to somebody else [00:20:00]
And when your cup's empty and you keep giving, it just leads to resentment and anger and pain. So, it's not about having to get this perfect. It's not about having to have all the answers and let everybody sit in their muck. It's not about that. It's about choosing me too Where do I want to naturally give?
Where can I give? Not always the same thing. Where do I want to automatically respond? Where I- where do I choose to respond? And when in the pause, if we can give ourselves a tiny bit of space, we have the opportunity to respond rather than react. When our energy bubble is clear and strong and held, and we are supporting ourselves [00:21:00]
We have more space to respond.
When our energy bubble is tight and it's close, we react really fast. When there's no energy edges, when we're just dispersed and diffused into the room because we're trying to feel our way through everything, we don't have any space for us. So, if you're in a safe place and you're not driving, just close your eyes for a moment and imagine yourself in your bubble.
Draw yourself in a circle and feel the edges of your bubble. Imagine it like a light globe. You are the light in the centre and then there's the glass edge and you can make that glass edge as thick as you need it to be. But you are the filament, you are the light in the centre of your globe and you have all this space [00:22:00] around you to fill it with your light and there's a beautiful edge to it that protects you from that that's not yours.
And as we strengthen that bubble, as we strengthen our own energy field, the stronger our light. The stronger our light, the more space we have to notice
The more space we have, the more awareness we have. We get to choose again. What do I want to choose here? And you might notice something interesting. Sometimes you know what you would like to choose, but you still don't seem to be able to choose it. And even that is another piece of the puzzle. Because you can't just think your way out of a different state of feeling.
You can't just think your way out of how you feel. [00:23:00] You have to choose to move through it differently. When you're in that moment of pause or you feel like you, you need to withdraw, what can help is three deep breaths. What can also help is grabbing one of my mists and spraying that and allowing yourself to shift your vibration.
Sometimes it's doing a little exercise or movement. Jumping up and down or bouncing can help bring your energy back into your body There's lots of different tools that you can use to find your centre and really change the way that you're feeling, especially when you're triggered or especially when something's uncomfortable.
You can't just think your way out of the feeling. You actually have to find a circuit breaker, and that circuit breaker can be something really, really [00:24:00] simple. It doesn't have to be complex. But in order to stop that death spiral, we need an interruption, and pattern interruption is the first step to being able to choose again.
Perhaps the gift of recognizing your patterns isn't that you'll never repeat them again. Perhaps it's that you begin to recognize the moment that you leave yourself, and in that moment, there's a little space, and it's a space to pause and come back in, a space to get curious and to choose again. Because awareness isn't the destination.
It's the place from which something different... It's the place from which something different becomes possible. Thank you so much for joining me on this episode. I'll link the alignment pattern quiz below. Please follow and subscribe on the platform that you're watching this from, and please share [00:25:00] these podcasts with somebody that you know might benefit from them.
Thanks for being with me today. Until next time. Bye for now.
